every 3 months ...

starts a new season, and it seems fitting that i post every 3 months.

i've heard all the metaphors about "the seasons of life" and while i'm not sure i completely agree with the way that some people use the phrase, i feel that i am in an interesting "season of life".

winter.

in my biology class i learned about how trees send all their chlorophyll, sugars, and nutrients to their roots during winter and store it until spring, because of the lack of efficiency of the sunlight during the winter. a study also showed that trees "communicate", and can influence each other. by imitating winter conditions on one tree, other trees in the area will begin to 'hibernate' so to speak.

a sermon i heard recently talked about how you don't necessarily hear from God for periods of time, not meaning that God isn't working, or active, just that we don't always necessarily see it.

i've heard, on more than one occasion that 'the things that you dislike most in other people are the things that you dislike most in yourself'. while i think that there is some merit to this, i think that the ignorance of most people decide to ignore it. for a very long time, i prayed for perspective on people, situations, for revelations, and for clarity. i feel that on some minor level that this has happened. call it growing up, opening my eyes, or whatever you like, but i think that it is a double edged sword. i feel like all that i can see are my frustrations in other people, and in turn i see that in myself. granted this has given me quite the to-do list for myself, but i don't especially want to have a negative view of everyone. i know that everyone deserves mercy and grace, and that of all the sinners i am the worst, but i feel like everyone is falling away.

i don't remember the lyrics verbatum, but FtV used to do a song called 'A Changing Landscape', that mirrored the pillars of the faith falling away like the physical changes of a landscape. i feel very much like that song right now.

i think that a part of feeling that way is not that people around you are all changing, but that you are changing and the way that you see things changes, too. it is very easy to place people on a pedestal when it is convenient to do so, but that does not mean that they are right, righteous, or at all worth the pedestal.

would that it only be a season

that spring would bring flowers

that with every pain we find reason

break me off a piece of that football cream

do you think that the cycles of life are there for us to learn from or to punish us? the old testament talks about punishing parents sins through future generations.

if i were to (hypothetically) steal a candy bar (mounds). i could (a) get away with it and (a-1) feel regretful, (a-2) not feel regretful, (a-3) turn myself in (lessen the sentence). if i got caught (b), i would either (b-1) "learn my lesson" and repent, or (b-2) be more sneaky the next time i feel the need for delicious dark chocolate and coconut. with (b) the argument could be that the getting caught is the punishment.

(this is where i need a diagram for bar graphs and visual aids - try and follow along)

suppose that the stealing of the candy bar (mounds) is worth $2 (it was king size. and inflation. and a recession). if you get caught and you have inevitably already enjoyed your candy bar, you have to pay $2. paying the $2 is not punishment, it is economics. you owe for what you took. you might however see it as punishment. suppose though, that stealing a candy bar is worth 5 (hypothetical) sin points. your repayment for the candy bar does not cancel out your sin points and you owe 5 sin points until you understand what you did wrong and you have been appropraitely punished for your actions. you might not know that you owe these 5 (hypothetical) sin points because you only have a spot in your wallet for cash.

fast forward 20 years.

i just realized that i have been switching from "i" to "you". i did not mean to make you uncomfortable by insinuating that you would ever steal a candy bar (mounds). nevertheless, i dont intend to go back and change it. i will attempt to return to "i".

"i" have long since forgotten about my (b-2) offense. i paid my debt at the time that it was due. i now have a son who has a sweet tooth. (oh so your eating this for your tooth? cause it's going straight to your ... hips) my son steals a candy bar (mounds) and gets caught and i get a call from officer sulonen that little hammy is serving 5-10 for grand theft cocoa.

is this the sovereign Lord cashing in on my 5 (hypothetical) sin points? does he cash in when he knows we can see both sides of the issue? does he know that those 5 (hypothetical) sin points aren't equivalent when we are younger? if i dont realize that this is connected to me, does my (h)sp debt remain outstanding? will this cycle continue, until i can fully cash in my debt?

this happens more than you might think.

ironic iconic

why do we do the things we do? are the nuances of our actions defining our personality?
i have had a crayola crayons clock in my bedroom for at least 15 years. for the past 5 (probably more) it has been set fast, initially accidentally, now on purpose. why do i play this mental game? if i set the alarm for 720 because i need to set it for 700, in the recesses of my mind i think i am gaining 20 minutes somewhere. but i plan on this gain. lauren will ask what time it is and i will automatically subtract the 20 minutes before i tell her. its not like i dont know what time it really is.
"whenever i am about to do something, i think ' would an idiot do that?' if they would i do not do that thing"

nothing to fear but fear itself

typing in all lowercase letters is very fulfilling.
i have been amazed lately at the control of fear and how people so easily succumb to a lifestyle of fear and worry. what blows my mind is that fear and worry are a choice, not a result, and not unavoidable.
"so do not fear for I am with you, do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." isaiah 41:10
"for I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, do not fear; I will help you" isaiah 41:13
"do not be afraid, for I am with you..." genesis 26:24
"when i am afraid, i will trust in you. in God, whose word i praise, in God i trust; i will not be afraid. what can mortal man do to me?" psalm 56:3-4
God does not suggest that we try not to be afraid, but rather commands 'that we not fear'. why do we need not fear? because God is with us. not only is fear not necessary, it negates our trust in God. fear is a result of looking to man, trusting in God and looking to God will 'vanquish fear' (see The Office Season 3 : Initiation).
along with fear i see that worry is often intertwined. from the beginning, God instructs us not to worry (genesis 7:16). not to try not to worry, not to worry only a little bit, not to let worry consume our lives but rather to control our worry, eliminating it. Jesus, in matthew chapter 6, reiterates the importance. "seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all these things (that you would otherwise worry about) will be added unto you." "do not worry".
it seems clear to me that not only does God not want us to fear for the sake of maintaining trust and dependence on him, but also to liberate ourselves from a bonding lifestyle that allows the devil a foothold.
please share your thoughts on this matter....

"3 months (plus a day)" subtitle: "married life"

it's funny how fast you 'grow up'. a year and a half ago i was married to a band, living at home, playing pratical jokes on anyone and everyone ... i mean ... obviously i wasnt involved with any of them... now i'm dealing with the intracacies of in-law relationships, bills, and dissecting my childhood. i realize that maybe that sounds like i think it's bad. i don't. i love being married - it's very fulfilling, though (and through) a lot of work and growth and sacrifice. (again, not bad)
i'm working at johnny garlics now. not enough hours, but fairly good tips. i like the people for the most part, and the food is delicious. is it bad to be salivating over something you're serving to someone else? maybe i should eat more before i go to work. i'm going to be working at the fair, starting next week - which should be interesting. when i was a little kid the fair was always here on my birthday and i would get extra rides for free and a taste of cotton candy - i was never allowed to get a whole one. i liked the bumper cars and bumper boats.
i miss baron davis already.

i need to learn to ration my posts

it seems like im only good for a post every 3 months or so. oh well.
i think that it is interesting that the things that frustrate us the most in other people are the same things that frustrate us most in ourselves. i think that, in general, the 'remove the log in your own eye' verse speaks very accurately to a lot of the problems we have today. a lot of people are neglegent of their logs and i feel that i should inform them.
i had a job interview today. as someone who has been rigorously trained in how to interview people, it is interesting to be on the other side again. i think that there are a lot of jobs that i am well suited for, but none of them seem to be advertising on craigslist. maybe there is another website of cool jobs that i dont know about yet.
i think google shuts down for a minute at midnight, or resets or something. i have experienced it several times. normally i shut down at midnight, too, so google - i feel ya.
evidently the chinese discovered a way to predict the sex of your baby based on how old the mother is and what day it was conceived (chinesefortunecalendar.com). Seems pretty accurate. Makes you wonder how they could figure it out - maybe it was before the rules about how many kids you could have.
(Spoiler alert)
so jim is going to propose to pam on the office. personally, i think that the episode tonight was good, but not really that funny. this season in general hasn't been much to bust your gut over, but i am way more intrigued now with the impending proposal. i cant wait to see how he does it, and what happens. they just bought themselves and extra season or two.
see you in 3 months dashboard.

feels like a new post.

you know if you want your laundry done right, i used to work at abercrombie. so i'm a pretty good folder.
i've been missing the office lately.
so i guess i don't really have a lot to say. getting married, not that it's not important, just that the 2 of you that might still read this already know. i'm really excited though. really excited. doing the school thing again - it's interesting, if nothing else. it's hard to be motivated for some of these general ed classes (see: Political Science), but it's easier now than before, having some semblence of a long term goal.
i need to go get a job, kind of assume that 'provider' role that i'm signing up for, not the role that i'm currently filling. i will try a little more on that in the next little while. life rolls on.